Got Milk? 10 Milk Rules That Might Save Your Life

It’s funny how you don’t notice your own quirks until your friends are sitting around making fun of you. To wit, there is no shame in my distrust of milk. I’m not a lactaphobe, per se, but I do have a dubious relationship with certain white foods, like mayonnaise, yogurt, and sour cr… sour cre… Hell, I can’t even say it without gagging.

I caution against milk for anything other than cooking or as an ingredient in other dishes, but if you’re bound and determined to drink it, here are my 10 milk rules that might very well save your life:

  1. Drink only skim milk. Thick milk has more germs in it and could possibly kill you.
  2. Smell the milk before you shake it, and shake the milk before you pour it.
  3. If you forget to shake the milk, it’s ruined. Pour it out and start over.
  4. Use a glass. Drinking milk from a plastic cup could possibly kill you.
  5. If you pour milk into a secondary container for the purpose of transporting it (to work, for example), it’s ruined. Throw it away.
  6. If you want milk for work, stop at the store. Once opened, it is now “work milk” and must be kept at work.
  7. Don’t drink warmed milk; you might contract tuberculosis.
  8. Don’t drink milk over ice; it could possibly kill you.
  9. Sever all ties with anyone who pronounces it melk or meerk.
  10. Don’t drink milk.